Changing Patterns in Society - Singleness
There are more single adults in Western society and in the church than ever before. In England and Wales, out of 40 million people old enough to be married, 17 million are single - that’s over 40%. (HMSO Statistics, 1990.)
Yet the church’s constant emphasis is so much on family and marriage, that it is in danger of marginalising this growing section of society. (I used to introduce myself as a “childless, single-parent family”, just to get in on the act…)
So why are there so many more single adults? George Bernard Shaw’s dictum, “it is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can ” is no longer true. The age of marrying is going up for both women and men and fewer adults now get married, some choosing to cohabit. (Government figures for 1987 showed 1.8 million cohabiting adults.) There are a number of other contributory trends: sadly, more and more marriages are ending in divorce or separation, and fewer divorcees are remarrying. And then there is the growing number of lone parents: a few from choice, most by necessity, but totalling 17% of all families, which is the highest proportion anywhere in the world. Better health care means that widows and widowers are living longer. The homosexual community is possibly growing, although reliable statistics are hard to come by.
But there are some deeper, albeit more disputable, issues. Selfishness and affluence often go hand in hand. So a number of singles simply enjoy the ability to live on their own, in comfort and totally egocentrically. If the basic selfishness is not addressed, then the chances are that any marriage will end in disaster - and often they know that.
Within most Baptist churches, singles are a significant group. The Evangelical Alliance survey in 1992 found that about 35% of adults in churches were single; only a little less than the national figure for the whole population. Despite popular myths, the proportions of single women and single men under 30 in church are about the same. However, in Baptist churches, the imbalance of single women to single men over the age of 45 is very pronounced at 70:30.
‘Singles-blindness’ is a feature of much church life, because, although such a large group, it is often ‘hidden’, representing as it does, such a diversity within the church community: young and old, unmarried, divorced, widowed… It is a helpful and often revealing exercise to work out the percentage of single adults in your congregation.
Biblical Reflection
God created male and female in his image, to live together, for it was not good for either of them to be alone. Yet when God became human, he chose an unmarried woman to be his mother, and then chose a life of celibacy till his death. And this illustrates the ambiguity with which the Bible treats singleness; and indeed the ambiguity with which the historic churches have viewed the subject: single priests, monks and nuns, exhorting and protecting family values.
The Genesis story makes it clear that the complementary union of male and female is at the heart of the fight against loneliness and isolation. Paul points to the mystical paradigm in the sexual union, representing Christ and his Bride, the Church. In fact, both Old and New Testaments are full of sexual imagery, illustrating the closeness of God to his people, or the idolatry of ‘playing the harlot’ with foreign gods. Humans are made in the image of God, and our sexuality perhaps reflects the eternal intimacy within the Godhead. This is why our sexuality and spirituality are so closely connected. Consider this definition: “longing for intimacy, to know and be known, desiring to comprehend the other and be totally comprehended by them; to love and be loved, to be fully at one with, absorbed by and absorbing the loved one.” This could be a partial definition of human sexual union, or Christian spirituality.
So if sexual union appears to be an integral part of our human image-of-God-ness, why does Paul extol singleness as the ‘better way’, and why was the only totally fulfilled human unmarried?
Part of the answer lies in Genesis 3, where the Fall clearly disrupts the male/female relationship as well as the Humanity/God relationship. It is at this time also that there is a distortion in one of God’s greatest gifts, human sexuality. Marriage can never be the same again, and arguably, neither is it to be the sole solution for loneliness. There is an ‘aloneness’ which drives a person to God, and which even marriage cannot alleviate. And there is a closeness to God through the Second Adam, which Adam and Eve never knew. (“For a member of the Body of Christ, marriage is no longer a necessity or duty, for man is no longer alone as Adam was; he is the friend of Christ, he lives in the communion of saints, and he is indwelt by the Holy Spirit. ” Max Thurian)
In I Corinthians 7, Paul speaks of singleness, either for a period, or for life, as a desirable (i) gift for the individual (v.7). It is no use the person saying they do not have ‘the gift’. For as long as they are single, then they have the gift and have to make the most of it. Of course, they can work hard at trying to exchange the gift for that of marriage if they so choose - this may mean changing church, or at least making sure they are in places where they are likely to meet suitable spouses.
Paul also sees single people as a (ii) gift for the Church (vv.17, 28-33). Down through the centuries, the church has benefited enormously from men and women who have had the freedom and lack of ties to serve God in special and sometimes courageous ways. And until recently, single Christians were regarded by the Church as special blessings from God. Only over the last century or so has the Protestant Church begun to pity and ostracize them. If 35% of your church is single, what proportion of the leadership is single?
Then Paul also hints at the idea that single people can be a (iii) gift for the Lord (v.35), displaying “undivided devotion". This may have reflected Paul’s own experience, and certainly there is plenty of evidence in the writings of single men and women down through church history who have had a ’special’ closeness to Christ. (Francis of Assisi, Lady Julian of Norwich, Abbess Hildegarde, David Brainerd…)
Christ also extols singleness in a short but revolutionary (for the Jews) little addendum to a pathetic remark by the disciples after his teaching on divorce. (Matt 19.1-12) His three categories of ‘eunuchs’ may represent:
(i) those physically or psychologically unable to consummate marriage - there are many with ‘wounds’ from the past or a sexual orientation that makes them choose not to marry;
(ii) victims of circumstance - divorce, the death of a spouse, obligation to care for parents or family, or just being in a place where there are no suitable partners;
(iii) those who choose, for a period, or for life, not to marry - or remarry.
Issues for Christians
There is no doubt that for many single people their biggest problem is the rest of the church. Most churches just don’t take single adults seriously. They are a negative by-product of failure to find a partner, failure to hold on to a partner and make a marriage work, or failure to die at the same time as their partner. The well-meaning comments at weddings, “your turn next!", the concerned conversations, “and she’s such a nice girl…”, the assumption that if you are a leader you are married, and the obvious confusion when they discover you are not, “Oh, I’m sorry… ” These can all contribute to a sense of failure and of exclusion. It is the steady dripping of a tap that exacerbates the feeling of isolation and unfulfilled longing which is both the privilege and pain of the single life. (Marriage has its own privileges and pains.)
Even preachers sometimes illustrate their sermons as if the entire world is married and has children. And then suddenly remembering the singles they throw in a “some of you will find out about that soon enough… ” (There is a common assumption that those who have never been married ‘can’t understand’, which presumably means that Jesus is not able to sympathize with married people.)
As in so many other areas, there is also a gender bias here against women. The word ‘bachelor’ has overtones of freedom and choice; ‘spinster’ smacks of hair in a bun and sensible shoes. Men are allowed to keep their options open into their mid thirties, although beyond that, they must be immature and there must also be some suspicion about their sexual orientation. Women, however, are pitiable from the late twenties onwards. Their biological clock is ticking away, and although men in their fifties may marry a younger woman and have a family, the reverse is rarely witnessed or possible. (Medical ‘advances’ are rapidly changing that situation with 62 year old mothers…)
Until quite recently in the protestant tradition, celibacy was encouraged as a real option, either for the early years, or for life. This was the apostle Paul’s attitude. But very rarely nowadays is celibacy regarded as a way of serving the Lord wholeheartedly. Rather it is regarded as an odd quirk, tolerated more in older people (who are ‘past it’) than in younger people, and of course, in female missionaries. I am generally worried by people who say, “I don’t want to be married. I’m perfectly happy being single. ” But I am encouraged when I meet those who explain, “Yes. I would like to be married. But I have chosen to be single for the present. ” We should encourage people to explore celibacy as a calling from God. They don’t necessarily have to take any ‘vows’, but they can know the liberty of being free from the continual search for a partner.
Listen to John Stott: “When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I was fully expecting to marry, but when the moment of decision came I lacked assurance that this was God’s will, and so drew back. I began to ask myself at that time whether God was calling me to be single. I have never had a revelation from God. I have never taken vows of celibacy. It’s been the force of circumstances.” (In an interview for the Christian Bookseller.)
Although sex is not usually the biggest problem for single people, the pressures in our society to be sexually active produce a real tension in this area. (Arguably, this is no greater than the sexual tensions experienced by many married people. In my pastoral work I often find that single people have a better understanding of their sexuality - and other people’s - than marrieds.) This pressure is not dealt with by a denial of our sexual drive, but rather by a channelling of some of the sexual energy. “The essence of chastity is not the suppression of lust but the total orientation of one’s life toward a goal. ” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer) Orgasm can be ignored or coped with through masturbation, but the longing for intimacy has to be addressed by community and friendship.
So Jesus had his wider circle of friends: women, men, families. Then there were his daily companions: the twelve disciples. But he had his three best friends: Peter, James and John; and of them, John was his intimate ‘beloved’ friend. Sadly, few churches would tolerate such favouritism either amongst married or unmarried leaders. (And the disciples found it pretty hard to stomach!) But if Jesus, God incarnate, needed such companionship and physical touch, then it must be recognised that for singles to survive, there need to be degrees of physical and mental intimacy with others. (Hug someone who is widowed this Sunday!) The degrees of intimacy will vary with personality, culture, age and many other factors. But for singles to feel that their ‘singleness’ is accepted, and that they truly belong, the noble gift of intimate friendship must be revived, which will make some feel a little uncomfortable. But then David & Jonathan or Jesus & John have always made a few feel uncomfortable. There is little teaching in many of our church on ‘soul friends’, companionship, the dangers of emotional dependency, and so on.
Jesus took children in his arms, and it is still children who will often provide, without the self-conscious embarrassment experienced by most British adults, the affection and acceptance which the single person needs. To hold a baby in your arms and give it it’s ‘bottle’, can be a deeply affirming experience for a single.
Salt and Light
So how can the church release the potential of single people and help them, with all God’s people, to become mature in Christ? And how can the church be a community which reaches out to help the 40% of our population who are single?
Extended families are a great gift, although they sometimes stretch the boundaries of our selfless love and tolerance. Simply to be ‘included in’ on family life, at weekends and at Christmas, on shopping trips or helping with children’s birthday parties, on holidays or painting the kitchen (yours or theirs!); all these are ways of reinforcing among the unmarried, widows and widowers, sole parents, their sense of belonging. It must not become abuse or exploitation. Many marrieds wrongly assume that single people have all the time in the world for running everything in the church, as well as baby-sitting. Extended families must operate out of genuine friendship, mutuality, help and support, not out of pity. Worse still, some married couples almost flaunt the success of their relationship before singles: “The assertion made by a happy marriage often alienates, and often is at least half consciously intended to alienate, the excluded spectator. ” (Iris Murdoch) Conversely, what a sense of belonging I had when my first ‘extended family’ gave me a key to their door!
But single people are sometimes their own worst enemies. They too must shoulder some of the blame for isolation. For they must guard against a self-centredness which wants the benefits of extended family with none of the down side - children and chores must be part of the self-giving which integrates us into society. And there is nothing worse than the single who simply wants an audience to listen attentively to their tale of woe and bitter recriminations against the lot that life has landed them.
And then there are those who cut off their nose to spite their face! They won’t ring anyone, write or visit, and interpret lack of contact by their friends as a sign of lack of love and concern. Sometimes it is indeed thoughtlessness on their friends’ part, but more often it is the busyness of normal family life. Single people must pursue friendships in a way that marrieds often need not. Then again, what a sense of belonging I experience when someone from a busy family rings me ‘just to see that I’m OK’.
Lone parents have particular needs of acceptance and space. To be free from the constant demands of their children occasionally is a great boon. And their children may lack a father or mother role model. Secure couples, especially older ones whose children may have flown the nest, may consider sharing their house with such lone parents. Some churches have enabled two or more lone parents to buy or rent property together so that parenting and household work can be shared. A creche or child-minding service can be of enormous service to those within and outside of the immediate church community.
Sometimes there is a place for arranging for widows and widowers to meet, specifically to talk about bereavement and adjusting to single life again. Many ‘put on a brave face’ while inside they are hurting and longing to talk about the pain of separation, and the aloneness they feel so acutely. It doesn’t go away after a year or so when the rest of the fellowship have got used to the new lone partner. This is another opportunity to reach out into the needy unchurched community. Sometimes social services will put a church in touch with those not coping with bereavement
There are many simple ways of helping. I am always grateful for those who invite me to share their Sunday lunch, or to have supper with them on a lonely Sunday night. (I am not too well-pleased if I find they have also invited, without telling me, someone whom they think would make a perfect partner for me… Matchmaking has its place, but it must be done discreetly, and never forced.) And I will offer to come round and cook a meal for the family sometimes, or invite them out to a restaurant if I can afford it, or turn up with a takeaway, or just take the kids to MacDonalds…
In sum, both marrieds and singles must work hard at accepting one another, giving a sense of belonging, fostering security and trusting love. Marrieds should let single people enjoy their singleness, and help save them from any encroaching bitterness. Don’t patronise or pity, but receive from them and offer to them, remembering that you started out ‘single’ and that you may well end this life ‘single’. And singles must make the most of the particular freedoms and opportunities which God has given them - for as long as they last.
