Article - Hitchhiker's Guide

HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE

“Nicky’s gone again!” The cry would go up across the garden fences and down the back alleys. Soon after I began to walk, I learned to climb fences and to fall down the other side and to wander the world. It was a safer world for little boys in the 1950’s, and I always knew there would be a grown-up to take me home. Or if my dad was on a late shift (30 years at the Gas Works - he cycled the seven miles there and back in a sort of trance - I pointed him out to school friends, but never bothered to say ‘hello’ - he was on another planet) he would come and find me and take me home on the little seat on the cross-bar. I wonder if boys do follow the male hunter/gatherer pattern more than girls? When teaching my students about sex, I often say that the Boy is nearer the surface in Man than the Girl is in Woman. And wasn’t it Nietszsche who said, “In every true man there lurks a child which wants to play?” And Sheena told me that “The only difference between men and boys, is the amount of money they spend on their toys!” But I digress.

Hitching round Europe in jeans and a T-shirt, I was usually picked up by lorry drivers. And in those far off days, lorries weren’t the all singing, all dancing, luxury liners that they are today. You usually sat beside a noisy, hot diesel engine in a smoke-laden cab, and shouted inanities at each other about football and women.

Then one Sunday afternoon, my moped broke down on the way to a preaching engagement. So I was forced to hitch in a suit. I was immediately invited into a sleek, purring jaguar and after a short journey and a fascinating conversation, dropped at the door of the church.

So then on my travels, I packed all I needed into a large black leather briefcase, wore a suit, carried a brolly and only put my thumb out for fast cars. It worked! Pleasant journeys, interesting conversation, free meals with doctors, publishers, business people, dons and doyennes. What a variety!

There was the hospital Matron who picked me up outside Bideford and told me how many times she had failed the driving test and had been to court for driving as she was now - without a licence. Fortunately, space does not permit me to tell of the tipsy, Belgian nymphomaniac, the gay masseur, the jeep load of hippies…

I always prayed for them all (and still do, although I am the one who gives the lifts now), but I learned early on that God sometimes had more to say to me through them than I had to say to them about Him. It has profoundly affected my preaching.

Woman Alive monthly column

Article - Angels Unawares

ANGELS UNAWARES…

I remember how shocked I was when first I stayed with a vicar friend and his large family - “Use any of the toothbrushes” he shouted as I went into the bathroom to freshen up before preaching. Well, I suppose I had eaten other people’s apple cores, shared cutlery in college when I couldn’t be bothered to go and get another spoon, why not use someone else’s toothbrush?

So now I have a guest toothbrush in my bathroom - it is rarely used. But my guest room is constantly in use, both by my semi-permanent lodger, and by a stream of visitors; or by me when I wistfully give up my double bed for married friends.

It’s the laundry that gets me down most. I always smell the bed before visitors arrive to see whether I need to change the sheets. And I change them however fresh they still are, after three or four different guest/nights. (I use the barely damp towels for myself and lash out on clean ones for every guest!)

Visitors are like 68 buses: they always arrive in packs and never when you want one. A lonely evening when you’ve finished the Times crossword and there is nothing but snooker on TV and such a mound of work in the office that it gives you vertigo just looking at it; and there isn’t a caller in sight. But wait till you’re in a ‘work’ mood or watching the finals of Come Dancing with a group of friends and a bottle of Ribena, and in they all troop. The definition of hospitality flashes through your mind: the art of making people feel at home when you wish they were!

Another problem is that I always seem to arrange for multiple guests to arrive when I am in Nottingham or some other far-flung corner of the Empire. This can be an advantage as the guests often entertain each other, make the beds, clean the flat, do the washing up left over from last week’s guests, cook you a meal and welcome you ‘home’.

But there are times when a punk friend turns up at the same time as a professor from a prestigious American seminary; or an aggressive synod of ordained women friends clash with some effervescent ‘Joy of Womanhood’ supporters; or a pagan Scottish pal clutching a gift bottle of malt whiskey comes face to face with the local rep of the Band of Hope. There's blood on the doormat when you arrive home and the prospect of a long and difficult evening.

Self-centredness is the constant enemy of both singles and family units, but the angels are there to protect us. “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” (Heb.13.2) Although they are sometimes a burden, guests greatly enrich my own life and often the lives of their improbable fellow guests, room-mates and toothbrush users.

Woman Alive monthly column

Article - Ringing the Changes

RINGING THE CHANGES

I only did it because I like it.

I'm used to people giving me odd looks, but there's been a marked increase over recent months; particularly when I'm with Christians; and especially when I'm in my clerical garb. Even outside of the Christian ghetto, a computer salesman refused to believe I was Assistant Principal of a Bible College the other day, and not just because of my jeans, nor even because the faculty member with me looked and sounded like a member of the American Mafia.

Being a shy introvert (concealed beneath a brash exterior), I have been amazed at the attention this little change has attracted. Have I dyed my hair luminous green? No! Have I had a Michael Jackson nose job? No! Have I replaced my higgledy piggledy tooth array (a fork-tongued dentist assured my mum that the gaps would fill up as I grew older) with a new set of gold chompers? No!

When 25 years ago I started putting my cuff-links and tie-clips in a little velvet-lined box, I was slightly embarrassed and thought my friends would call me a Big Girl's Blouse if they knew. (I was a 'mod' with a Lambretta at the time.) I could never have imagined then, that 25 years further on I would need another little box for my ear-rings.

Yes. The major change has been a tiny hole in my left ear.

So now I can wear a black stud when I'm in dog-collar and suit; a gold sleeper during the week in college; a diamond or larger silver ring when in Dinner Jacket and Black or White Tie; and sometimes I wear nothing at all if I think I’m becoming a bit of a poser... But it’s just so exciting getting up in the morning and having a whole new part of the body to dress - or not to dress.

Earnest Christians ask me if there is some deep theological significance (based on Exodus 21.6 or Psalm 40.6?) A Scottish friend (mother of teenagers) told me it was a mid-life crisis LCT - Last Chance Trendy. People who know me well just laughed at first and now ignore it.

What's more, I have suddenly become the repository for all my women friends' left-over ear-rings. (How do you manage to lose an ear-ring from a pierced ear?) Most of these pendulous oddments are quite unwearable and I pass them on to trendier friends with stronger lobes, languorous eyes and scythe-like cheek bones. And sometimes some of the 24 guys who share my house can only buy them in pairs and pass the spare ring on to me. I will be a regular Rattners by the end of the year!

If I had known that one tiny ring could shatter so many false images of Christians and church, and open up so many interesting conversations, I would have had it done 25 years ago.

Woman Alive monthly column

Article - Chef's special

CHEF'S SPECIAL

I couldn’t quite make out what the unusual taste was. My newly married hostess had managed a fairly good meal so far. But I was sure there was a clever culinary fillip that had been given to this otherwise plain apple pie and cream. Suddenly it came to me what the taste was. As I blurted it out I realised, sadly too late, that silence would have been the wiser course.

“Dusting the pie with salt certainly gives it a very distinctive taste!”

My mother was a good traditional cook who only loathed being pregnant more than she loathed cooking. This was understandable but bad news when you had six kids. My three sisters followed after my mother, so being the middle boy I learnt to shop and cook. My rock cakes were the first to win me prizes, then my cheese scones... and soon I grew to like the kudos of being a “good cook” - women would ask for my “Athenian Mince” recipe and I began to collect cookery books.

I suppose I used my skills as a counter attack to that most infuriating of all comments made to single men: “How do you manage about cooking and so on...” I would comment knowledgably on the proportions of herbs used in dishes when I was out for meals. I added a new joke to my Best Man speech (given 19 times to date) about the groom finding his bride-to-be in tears, and how she explains that she baked him a pie for tea, but the dog ate it, and how he says sympathetically, “never mind. I’ll buy you another dog.” And I hated anyone else in my kitchen. And I became intimidating and obnoxious.

Well, back to my newly wed hostess who dusted the apple pie with salt. It’s a mistake that’s easy to make - all those big earthen jars that you get for wedding presents that look the same, the anxiety of cooking for guests, lack of sleep...

My hostess was distraught, her husband laughed and said he’d thought the cream must be off but decided to keep quiet unless I noticed; and I blushed and wished I could have turned into a pillar of salt.

The lesson I learned that evening was to change not only my attitude to cooking but the way I handled all knowledge. You do not always have to say all that you know; or always have to correct others when they speak or act in error - whether too much oregano or a slightly wonky doctrine of prayer. Affirming others in what they do right, and waiting till they ask for your help or opinion is generally a surer recipe for building one another up in love.

Woman Alive monthly column

Article - Double Think

DOUBLE THINK

I read in Cosmopolitan the other day that women think that men spend all their time thinking about football. Now that is probably based on the assumption that what people talk about most of the time is what they think about most of the time. Not so! Surveys tell us that the average American thinks about death every six seconds - but it’s hardly a constant topic of conversation. Men in particular are basically very reluctant to tell you what they are really thinking.

“I see Liverpool won again.” (Does George really like me or does he just think I’m a wimp?)
“Looks like they’re going to win the championship yet again.” (Kevin looks really rough. I bet his business is going to fold up.)
“But what’s happened to all the London teams?” (Jane was crying when I left for work this morning. George thinks I have a great marriage and a thriving business.)
“An unbiased ref would give some of them a better chance.” (George always looks so confident and in control of things.)
“Now Ian Rush is back from Italy he’s scoring goals like there’s no tomorrow.” (I wonder if I should ask Kevin about Jane? Or will he think I’m being nosey? Better stick to football.)
“Pity he’s Welsh....” (I wish George would really talk to me sometimes and not just go on about football.)
“But he could play for the England team if he wanted to.” (Somebody needs to talk to Kevin and help him sort himself out.)
“Did you see all that stuff in the Sunday Sport about his sex life?”

Now we have strayed on to a subject that men not only talk about all the time, but also think about all the time. But I am a mere bachelor and am embarrassed even to mention the subject. I thought ‘sex ‘ were things that posh people bought their coal in. Perhaps I’ll talk about sex in a future issue - I see West Ham are doing better this week...

Woman Alive monthly column

Article - Post-feminist man

POST FEMINIST MAN

I often get telephone calls about preaching engagements.
Church secretary: “And will you be bringing your wife?”
Me: “No. I’m not married.”
Church secretary: “Oh, I’m sorry.”
Me: “Please don’t be. I’m happy to be single at present.”
Embarrassed Church secretary: “I just assumed you must be married.”
People always do. In fact a few years ago, when everything seemed to be geared towards the family, I started describing myself as a ‘childless single-parent family’. However, I love babies and children and am an honorary uncle to dozens.
I sat and fed a baby the other afternoon. It had been a hassled week and I was full of angst and nervous energy. But Samuel is a slow feeder. He loses interest and stares at me instead of sucking. And then I have to stop and coax minor eruptions from him every few ounces. And he can’t stand other distractions so I had to take him to a quiet darkened room away from his little sisters who always want to pat him like a dog.
He was a lot of help to me that day. Samuel wasn’t worried about war in the Gulf, or the state of the church, or why my windscreen washers weren’t working, or about the deadline for this article, or... He was happy to feel secure, warm, loved, fed. He was content with the important things in his life and not old enough to be worried about the secondary things. In that private conversation with little Samuel, I found myself smiling at him (and crying a little) as I realised that I was secure, warm, loved, fed. Maybe, I wasn’t ecstatically happy to be 40 and single, and the pressures and struggles with priorities and inner conflicts were still there. But I realised again that I was loved by God (who I couldn’t hug), and by my friends (who I could), and I had a lot of good things going for me. So why be anxious about tomorrow?
Samuel agreed with me, and guzzled and burped and then - well that’s the nice thing about only being an uncle - I gave him back to his dad to change his nappy!

Woman Alive monthly column

Article - Coping with Change

All Change!

“There is nothing permanent but change” Heraclitus

And there is nothing more exhausting. Even young men and women grow weary. But continuous change is here to stay so we all have to learn to cope.

“Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be...”

Think back to just 25 years ago (when I was sweet sixteen and hardly ever been kissed - sexual naivete in 16-year olds is certainly a thing of the past...) In 1966 we made comb-cases for sailors at Christian Endeavour ‘Floating’ evenings; we occasionally substituted a trendy song from Youth Praise for a hymn from the new Baptist Hymn Book; we wondered whether to drop Afternoon Sunday School and thought Lady Chatterley’s Lover was outrageous; Real Christians didn’t take Sunday Papers or go into a shop on the Sabbath and evangelical Christians knew that number 79 in CSSM was “I am feeding on the living bread...” (“Let’s have the girls asking the question and the boys replying...”) God was still addressed in Thee’s and Thou’s and I was taken to one side by the minister when I turned up for church in a jumper (although still with a tie) - “Would you go to see the Queen dressed like that?...”

Apart from the few gentle readers who are already thinking, “So what’s changed!” most of us are only too aware that there have been a vast number of significant changes in the world, our society and the church.

“All change is perceived as loss.”

When 70-year old George dies, we do not go to widow Edith with encouragements like: “He was pretty old and useless anyway, and there are plenty of younger, better men around. A younger husband would improve your image. So just forget George and get to like a new trendier husband.” Of course not. We understand bereavement.

But how many times have I heard (and sometimes said): “They were crummy old pews. Let’s just dump them and get the new chairs... The hymn books haven’t got anything written after 1910. We’re better off without them... The BB has served it’s purpose and is wildly outdated, so let’s scrap it and start an open youth club...”

The changes may be right and proper, but the pastoral insensitivity which accompanies them is totally inappropriate.

Alvin Toffler talks about PSZ’s - Personal Security Zones - in his classic work Future Shock. We all need them and sometimes they comprise familiar surroundings (I still remember the secure feelings engendered by the gentle hiss of the gas heaters in my old church on a winter’s evening), hymns, people, procedures... For 20 years the arrangement of bits and pieces in the drawers of my desk has changed very little. I don’t actually use the sealing wax in the Bendicks Bittermints box, but it is somehow comforting to know that it is there. When for three weeks I was living out of boxes in the vestry down in Torquay - sleeping under the Communion Table where the carpet was cleanest - my emotional life fell apart and I would find myself sitting on the floor in the corner of the vestry sobbing. My PSZ’s were shattered and I could not cope with the everyday stresses of ministry. It was a great and painful spiritual lesson for me.

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” George Bernard Shaw.

PSZ’s can also exist in our mindsets, and one of the hardest areas of change that we have to face up to is the change in our own theological outlook. It is why we often suppress doubts and honest questionings. “What if I were to become a liberal!” But personal change is essential if we are to grow as people and as Christians.

Last time I wrote in The Fraternal, it was on Preaching Genesis I-XI. Nearly ten years on, I would write quite a different article. My interpretation of Genesis One has changed radically, and it was a very anguished 2 years of full-time research which led me to review and alter my position.

Some leaders do not mind changing everything in the church structures as long as they do not have to change their own theological position on anything. Stephen Madden was in his 90’s and back in his old congregation when I went as a young minister to Torquay. What I admired greatly in him, was his ability to change his mind about various theological issues during his lifetime - even in his 80’s. He was secure in Christ and there was little solid ground anywhere else. He would tell me of views he had held during his ministry, and then chuckled at the thought of them.

It is interesting that old age often gives security and the middle-aged are those most threatened in the church - the men and women who have to face up to so much change in the family and at work and so put have all their PSZ’s at church. I suppose the wise, older men and women have lived through so many changes that they feel no threat in even more. As Harold Rowdon, retiring after spending most of his life teaching Church History here in College, put it, “The advantage of teaching church history when you are my age is that you’ve lived through most of it!”

“When it is not necessary to change, it is necessary not to change.” Viscount Falkland on the Episcopacy, 1660.

But too may changes at once can push the stress levels up to danger point. Gaius Davies in his book Stress, gives The Social Readjustment Rating Scale: ranging from 100 points for the death of a spouse, through 50 for marriage, 31 for taking out a mortgage, 24 for revision or personal habits, to 13 for the changes brought about by holidays and 12 points for Christmas! It’s a good chart to fill in when you wonder why you feel as though it’s your turn to have the nervous breakdown.

We counsel the bereaved not to make too many changes too soon, yet in personal growth and church life we often expect far too much too quickly. Despite modern technology and Instant Renewal, the mills of God still grind slowly. In my spiritual formation classes, I always encourage students to try and change but one habit at a time, and even then to take at least six months per change. We all know that crash diets really don’t achieve much. It is the steady discipline of change that which brings about real growth in Christ.

“We never did it that way before.” Seven Last Words of the Church.

Coping with personal change is hard enough but at the same time many of us are involved in institutional changes of one sort or another. And because people are involved in these changes, they involve far more than simple logic and planning.

Some churches just bury their heads in the sand and hope that it will all revert to how it was in the good old days: the “It’s Nicer When It’s Just Us” brigade. There is some justification for this as the experience of change in church life over the last 50 years has been mainly negative - where are all those young people drums and guitars were going to bring in? The church has steadily declined in most parts of Britain.

“Define the issue, get the facts, consider alternatives, make the decision, and Do It!” Leith Anderson.

But life’s not like that. As we have seen, changes involve emotions, personality conflicts and even spiritual warfare. The ‘charismatic splits’ of the last 30 years have had more to do with change, threat and security than with theology.

Most of the changes in the past 50 years have been negative - change may help some but it will hinder others

“There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things.” Machiavelli

Short-term ‘units’ rather than organisations are one way forward: a choir that rehearses 6 times for an Easter Service and is then disbanded; a series of ten prayer breakfasts for men (we found they needed the teaching and experience more than women!) on a Saturday morning at a local hotel; 6 prayer meetings about the new community worker... the ‘units’ start and finish, but many organisations start, fossilize, aggravate, and eventually die. Flexibility is the key in a rapidly changing society.

Good communications are another crucial ingredient. Good teaching, repeated to different groups in different ways must precede change. Then tell everyone everything you can ; avoid secrecy and let everyone know what the elders and deacons are discussing. Give a 2 minute summary in church on Sunday. Especially make sure you spend time explaining to the opinion formers.

It’s a bit like having a baby without being pregnant for 9 months.

The leaders have spent many hours and days in discussion, in the gestation of the idea. Then the “baby” is suddenly presented at a Church Meeting which has 45 minutes to make up its mind! No wonder there are so many unhappy births. The congregation must share in the pregnancy if it is to be a healthy baby.

All this is at considerable personal cost, as for most leaders, changes mean more work, the loss of a comfortable pattern, unpopularity and grief - there is no renewal without pain. There are no short-cuts and we must all beware of manipulation - it will rebound on you! But those who sow in tears will reap in joy.

“Change is the angel of a changeless God.” Archbishop Stuart Blanche

In the sovereign purposes of God, he has called us to be a pilgrim people. He constantly shakes our world (Heb.12.22-28) so that we can clearly discern the things that cannot be shaken and place all our hope in the City of God and Jesus Christ who is the same, yesterday, today and forever. (Heb.13.8) Read through the book of Numbers and see how again and again God reminds his people that their security is not in the ‘flesh pots of Egypt’, but in God himself. That’s difficult. But Jesus warns of the consequences of longing to go back to the Cities of the Plain - “Remember Lot’s wife!” (Luke 17.32)

Whether it is personal change or change in our churches, they all throw us back onto God. “All my hope on God is founded” is never more true than in times of rapid change. Our faith is renewed; we come to an end of self and church ‘schemes’; we throw ourselves upon God and find in him our strength and shield.

Let me tell you a story by Anthony De Mello:

“A prophet once came to a city to convert its inhabitants. At first the people listened to his sermons, but they gradually drifted away until there was not a single soul to hear the prophet when he spoke. One day a traveller said to him, “Why do you go on preaching?” Said the prophet, “In the beginning I hoped to change these people. If I still shout, it is only to prevent them from changing me.””

Now was your first reaction to this story that the prophet was a faithful goody - or that the prophet was an intransigent baddy? Most of us are somewhat ambivalent in our attitude to change. We want it, and we hate it. Prayer for grace and wisdom becomes an imperative.

The old nun’s prayer has never been truer:

“God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Select Bibliography

Leith Anderson, Dying for a Change, Bethany House, 1990
Peter Brierley, Vision Building: Know where you’re Going, Hodder, 1989,
David Coffey, Build that Bridge, Monarch, 1986
Robert D Dale, Pastoral Leadership, Abingdon, 1986
Gaius Davies, Stress, Kingsway, 1988
Lyle E Schaller, The Change Agent, Abingdon, 1972
Alvin Toffler, Future Shock, Pan, 1970
Alvin Toffler, The Third Wave, Pan, 1980
Spring Harvest Seminar Notes, 1989
Leadership VIII/4, Fall 1987, ‘Change’

Baptist Ministers' Fraternal 3/91