Article - Singleness

Changing Patterns in Society - Singleness

There are more single adults in Western society and in the church than ever before. In England and Wales, out of 40 million people old enough to be married, 17 million are single - that’s over 40%. (HMSO Statistics, 1990.)

Yet the church’s constant emphasis is so much on family and marriage, that it is in danger of marginalising this growing section of society. (I used to introduce myself as a “childless, single-parent family”, just to get in on the act…)

So why are there so many more single adults? George Bernard Shaw’s dictum, “it is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can ” is no longer true. The age of marrying is going up for both women and men and fewer adults now get married, some choosing to cohabit. (Government figures for 1987 showed 1.8 million cohabiting adults.) There are a number of other contributory trends: sadly, more and more marriages are ending in divorce or separation, and fewer divorcees are remarrying. And then there is the growing number of lone parents: a few from choice, most by necessity, but totalling 17% of all families, which is the highest proportion anywhere in the world. Better health care means that widows and widowers are living longer. The homosexual community is possibly growing, although reliable statistics are hard to come by.

But there are some deeper, albeit more disputable, issues. Selfishness and affluence often go hand in hand. So a number of singles simply enjoy the ability to live on their own, in comfort and totally egocentrically. If the basic selfishness is not addressed, then the chances are that any marriage will end in disaster - and often they know that.

Within most Baptist churches, singles are a significant group. The Evangelical Alliance survey in 1992 found that about 35% of adults in churches were single; only a little less than the national figure for the whole population. Despite popular myths, the proportions of single women and single men under 30 in church are about the same. However, in Baptist churches, the imbalance of single women to single men over the age of 45 is very pronounced at 70:30.
‘Singles-blindness’ is a feature of much church life, because, although such a large group, it is often ‘hidden’, representing as it does, such a diversity within the church community: young and old, unmarried, divorced, widowed… It is a helpful and often revealing exercise to work out the percentage of single adults in your congregation.

Biblical Reflection
God created male and female in his image, to live together, for it was not good for either of them to be alone. Yet when God became human, he chose an unmarried woman to be his mother, and then chose a life of celibacy till his death. And this illustrates the ambiguity with which the Bible treats singleness; and indeed the ambiguity with which the historic churches have viewed the subject: single priests, monks and nuns, exhorting and protecting family values.

The Genesis story makes it clear that the complementary union of male and female is at the heart of the fight against loneliness and isolation. Paul points to the mystical paradigm in the sexual union, representing Christ and his Bride, the Church. In fact, both Old and New Testaments are full of sexual imagery, illustrating the closeness of God to his people, or the idolatry of ‘playing the harlot’ with foreign gods. Humans are made in the image of God, and our sexuality perhaps reflects the eternal intimacy within the Godhead. This is why our sexuality and spirituality are so closely connected. Consider this definition: “longing for intimacy, to know and be known, desiring to comprehend the other and be totally comprehended by them; to love and be loved, to be fully at one with, absorbed by and absorbing the loved one.” This could be a partial definition of human sexual union, or Christian spirituality.

So if sexual union appears to be an integral part of our human image-of-God-ness, why does Paul extol singleness as the ‘better way’, and why was the only totally fulfilled human unmarried?

Part of the answer lies in Genesis 3, where the Fall clearly disrupts the male/female relationship as well as the Humanity/God relationship. It is at this time also that there is a distortion in one of God’s greatest gifts, human sexuality. Marriage can never be the same again, and arguably, neither is it to be the sole solution for loneliness. There is an ‘aloneness’ which drives a person to God, and which even marriage cannot alleviate. And there is a closeness to God through the Second Adam, which Adam and Eve never knew. (“For a member of the Body of Christ, marriage is no longer a necessity or duty, for man is no longer alone as Adam was; he is the friend of Christ, he lives in the communion of saints, and he is indwelt by the Holy Spirit. ” Max Thurian)

In I Corinthians 7, Paul speaks of singleness, either for a period, or for life, as a desirable (i) gift for the individual (v.7). It is no use the person saying they do not have ‘the gift’. For as long as they are single, then they have the gift and have to make the most of it. Of course, they can work hard at trying to exchange the gift for that of marriage if they so choose - this may mean changing church, or at least making sure they are in places where they are likely to meet suitable spouses.

Paul also sees single people as a (ii) gift for the Church (vv.17, 28-33). Down through the centuries, the church has benefited enormously from men and women who have had the freedom and lack of ties to serve God in special and sometimes courageous ways. And until recently, single Christians were regarded by the Church as special blessings from God. Only over the last century or so has the Protestant Church begun to pity and ostracize them. If 35% of your church is single, what proportion of the leadership is single?

Then Paul also hints at the idea that single people can be a (iii) gift for the Lord (v.35), displaying “undivided devotion". This may have reflected Paul’s own experience, and certainly there is plenty of evidence in the writings of single men and women down through church history who have had a ’special’ closeness to Christ. (Francis of Assisi, Lady Julian of Norwich, Abbess Hildegarde, David Brainerd…)

Christ also extols singleness in a short but revolutionary (for the Jews) little addendum to a pathetic remark by the disciples after his teaching on divorce. (Matt 19.1-12) His three categories of ‘eunuchs’ may represent:
(i) those physically or psychologically unable to consummate marriage - there are many with ‘wounds’ from the past or a sexual orientation that makes them choose not to marry;
(ii) victims of circumstance - divorce, the death of a spouse, obligation to care for parents or family, or just being in a place where there are no suitable partners;
(iii) those who choose, for a period, or for life, not to marry - or remarry.

Issues for Christians
There is no doubt that for many single people their biggest problem is the rest of the church. Most churches just don’t take single adults seriously. They are a negative by-product of failure to find a partner, failure to hold on to a partner and make a marriage work, or failure to die at the same time as their partner. The well-meaning comments at weddings, “your turn next!", the concerned conversations, “and she’s such a nice girl…”, the assumption that if you are a leader you are married, and the obvious confusion when they discover you are not, “Oh, I’m sorry… ” These can all contribute to a sense of failure and of exclusion. It is the steady dripping of a tap that exacerbates the feeling of isolation and unfulfilled longing which is both the privilege and pain of the single life. (Marriage has its own privileges and pains.)

Even preachers sometimes illustrate their sermons as if the entire world is married and has children. And then suddenly remembering the singles they throw in a “some of you will find out about that soon enough… ” (There is a common assumption that those who have never been married ‘can’t understand’, which presumably means that Jesus is not able to sympathize with married people.)

As in so many other areas, there is also a gender bias here against women. The word ‘bachelor’ has overtones of freedom and choice; ‘spinster’ smacks of hair in a bun and sensible shoes. Men are allowed to keep their options open into their mid thirties, although beyond that, they must be immature and there must also be some suspicion about their sexual orientation. Women, however, are pitiable from the late twenties onwards. Their biological clock is ticking away, and although men in their fifties may marry a younger woman and have a family, the reverse is rarely witnessed or possible. (Medical ‘advances’ are rapidly changing that situation with 62 year old mothers…)

Until quite recently in the protestant tradition, celibacy was encouraged as a real option, either for the early years, or for life. This was the apostle Paul’s attitude. But very rarely nowadays is celibacy regarded as a way of serving the Lord wholeheartedly. Rather it is regarded as an odd quirk, tolerated more in older people (who are ‘past it’) than in younger people, and of course, in female missionaries. I am generally worried by people who say, “I don’t want to be married. I’m perfectly happy being single. ” But I am encouraged when I meet those who explain, “Yes. I would like to be married. But I have chosen to be single for the present. ” We should encourage people to explore celibacy as a calling from God. They don’t necessarily have to take any ‘vows’, but they can know the liberty of being free from the continual search for a partner.

Listen to John Stott: “When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I was fully expecting to marry, but when the moment of decision came I lacked assurance that this was God’s will, and so drew back. I began to ask myself at that time whether God was calling me to be single. I have never had a revelation from God. I have never taken vows of celibacy. It’s been the force of circumstances.” (In an interview for the Christian Bookseller.)

Although sex is not usually the biggest problem for single people, the pressures in our society to be sexually active produce a real tension in this area. (Arguably, this is no greater than the sexual tensions experienced by many married people. In my pastoral work I often find that single people have a better understanding of their sexuality - and other people’s - than marrieds.) This pressure is not dealt with by a denial of our sexual drive, but rather by a channelling of some of the sexual energy. “The essence of chastity is not the suppression of lust but the total orientation of one’s life toward a goal. ” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer) Orgasm can be ignored or coped with through masturbation, but the longing for intimacy has to be addressed by community and friendship.

So Jesus had his wider circle of friends: women, men, families. Then there were his daily companions: the twelve disciples. But he had his three best friends: Peter, James and John; and of them, John was his intimate ‘beloved’ friend. Sadly, few churches would tolerate such favouritism either amongst married or unmarried leaders. (And the disciples found it pretty hard to stomach!) But if Jesus, God incarnate, needed such companionship and physical touch, then it must be recognised that for singles to survive, there need to be degrees of physical and mental intimacy with others. (Hug someone who is widowed this Sunday!) The degrees of intimacy will vary with personality, culture, age and many other factors. But for singles to feel that their ‘singleness’ is accepted, and that they truly belong, the noble gift of intimate friendship must be revived, which will make some feel a little uncomfortable. But then David & Jonathan or Jesus & John have always made a few feel uncomfortable. There is little teaching in many of our church on ‘soul friends’, companionship, the dangers of emotional dependency, and so on.

Jesus took children in his arms, and it is still children who will often provide, without the self-conscious embarrassment experienced by most British adults, the affection and acceptance which the single person needs. To hold a baby in your arms and give it it’s ‘bottle’, can be a deeply affirming experience for a single.

Salt and Light
So how can the church release the potential of single people and help them, with all God’s people, to become mature in Christ? And how can the church be a community which reaches out to help the 40% of our population who are single?

Extended families are a great gift, although they sometimes stretch the boundaries of our selfless love and tolerance. Simply to be ‘included in’ on family life, at weekends and at Christmas, on shopping trips or helping with children’s birthday parties, on holidays or painting the kitchen (yours or theirs!); all these are ways of reinforcing among the unmarried, widows and widowers, sole parents, their sense of belonging. It must not become abuse or exploitation. Many marrieds wrongly assume that single people have all the time in the world for running everything in the church, as well as baby-sitting. Extended families must operate out of genuine friendship, mutuality, help and support, not out of pity. Worse still, some married couples almost flaunt the success of their relationship before singles: “The assertion made by a happy marriage often alienates, and often is at least half consciously intended to alienate, the excluded spectator. ” (Iris Murdoch) Conversely, what a sense of belonging I had when my first ‘extended family’ gave me a key to their door!

But single people are sometimes their own worst enemies. They too must shoulder some of the blame for isolation. For they must guard against a self-centredness which wants the benefits of extended family with none of the down side - children and chores must be part of the self-giving which integrates us into society. And there is nothing worse than the single who simply wants an audience to listen attentively to their tale of woe and bitter recriminations against the lot that life has landed them.

And then there are those who cut off their nose to spite their face! They won’t ring anyone, write or visit, and interpret lack of contact by their friends as a sign of lack of love and concern. Sometimes it is indeed thoughtlessness on their friends’ part, but more often it is the busyness of normal family life. Single people must pursue friendships in a way that marrieds often need not. Then again, what a sense of belonging I experience when someone from a busy family rings me ‘just to see that I’m OK’.

Lone parents have particular needs of acceptance and space. To be free from the constant demands of their children occasionally is a great boon. And their children may lack a father or mother role model. Secure couples, especially older ones whose children may have flown the nest, may consider sharing their house with such lone parents. Some churches have enabled two or more lone parents to buy or rent property together so that parenting and household work can be shared. A creche or child-minding service can be of enormous service to those within and outside of the immediate church community.

Sometimes there is a place for arranging for widows and widowers to meet, specifically to talk about bereavement and adjusting to single life again. Many ‘put on a brave face’ while inside they are hurting and longing to talk about the pain of separation, and the aloneness they feel so acutely. It doesn’t go away after a year or so when the rest of the fellowship have got used to the new lone partner. This is another opportunity to reach out into the needy unchurched community. Sometimes social services will put a church in touch with those not coping with bereavement

There are many simple ways of helping. I am always grateful for those who invite me to share their Sunday lunch, or to have supper with them on a lonely Sunday night. (I am not too well-pleased if I find they have also invited, without telling me, someone whom they think would make a perfect partner for me… Matchmaking has its place, but it must be done discreetly, and never forced.) And I will offer to come round and cook a meal for the family sometimes, or invite them out to a restaurant if I can afford it, or turn up with a takeaway, or just take the kids to MacDonalds…

In sum, both marrieds and singles must work hard at accepting one another, giving a sense of belonging, fostering security and trusting love. Marrieds should let single people enjoy their singleness, and help save them from any encroaching bitterness. Don’t patronise or pity, but receive from them and offer to them, remembering that you started out ‘single’ and that you may well end this life ‘single’. And singles must make the most of the particular freedoms and opportunities which God has given them - for as long as they last.

Article - Jonah

THE OUTRAGE OF GRACE

The enigmatic little book of Jonah with its 48 verses, carefully worded and skilfully constructed, is full of surprises and amusing improbability. It highlighted for the Jews, and no less for us in the Christian era, what has been called the ‘outrage of grace’. Before you read any of it, jot down what you remember about the story (if anything!), and what you think it is teaching us.
Read all 48 verses of Jonah, or if you do not have time, read 1.1-4,15-17; 3.1-5; 4.1-3,10,11.
As one of the minor prophets, it’s almost an oracle-free-zone! There are just 4 Hebrew words of prophecy(3.4). Voltaire and lesser known sceptics have mocked the apparently farcical elements of the book, and some famous Christians, like Martin Luther in his day, would rest easier at night if Jonah had just failed to get into the books of the Bible. But more important than the arguments concerning the events and the dating of the book is what God was saying, then and now.
There is an element of parable in the way the story is told. The opening chapter allows you to distance yourself from this foolish and disobedient so-called prophet. But, as in Nathan’s parable to King David (2 Samuel 12), the closing verses of Jonah round on you with that accusing “You are the one!” Like Jonah, you want to limit God’s love to the people who you think deserve it. You find it hard to believe that his compassion reaches out to all who repent and turn to him.
Perhaps the purpose of the book, like that of Ecclesiastes, is to pose questions that need to be thought through, even if no firm conclusions can be reached. Not only is there a debate between God and Jonah, but between the storyteller and God, and by invitation of the book, between us and God. What issues has Jonah already raised in your mind?

THE RELUCTANT MISSIONARY

Usually a prophet is a walking, talking advert for God’s power and glory. But here God is glorified, not through his ambassador, but in spite of his ambassador. The Story opens with a fresh commission for one of God’s oddly chosen men.
Jonah 1.1-3
Why did God choose Jonah? Let’s turn that round. If he chose someone as deliberately disobedient as Jonah, then he can certainly use you and me to carry out his purposes. Don’t let your own shortcomings prevent you from expecting God to use you today as his mouthpiece in the world.
Jonah was a privileged man who had already been used by God in his early years. He had prophesied the enlarging of his nation’s territory. (II Kings 14.25) When this actually happened, the people remembered Jonah’s prophecy. So he had had a successful ministry, but this had perhaps led to complacency. Past blessing is no substitute for present obedience. Stop now and ask God if there is an area in your life where you are heading in the wrong direction.
Towards the end of Jeroboam II’s long reign over Israel (793-753BC), Assyria’s power was on the decline. Still when Jonah thought of Nineveh he thought of the terrible cruelty of the Assyrians: “The usual procedure after the capture of a hostile city was to burn it and then to mutilate all the male prisoners by cutting off their hands and ears and putting out their eyes, after which they were piled up in a great heap to perish in torture from sun, flies, their wounds and suffocation; the children, boys and girls, were all burnt alive at the stake and the chief was carried off to Assyria to be flayed alive.” (HL Ellison) Try to put yourself in Jonah’s shoes. Is it any wonder that he was a reluctant missionary?

DISOBEDIENCE
God’s word had been unambiguous (1.1) and God cannot be ignored, even by a seasoned prophet who wanted to take early retirement because he had moral objections to God’s mercy.
Jonah 1.4.-16
But God’s word was not just for Nineveh. It was to shine light into Jonah’s own life and reveal his deepest doubts. (Heb.4.12, 13) His disobedience had devastating consequences for his faith:
• No Guidance - (3) he probably mistook the provision of a ship (going in the wrong direction!) as God’s blessing on his plans to let Nineveh to get its just deserts. Never be guided by circumstances and feeling when you are refusing to be guided by God’s word.
• No Conscience - (5,6) the dozing missionary is woken by a pagan captain who commands him to pray. Always be ready for instructions from the Lord from the most unlikely people!
• No Ministry - (8-10) He could answer questions but, unlike the enthusiastic missionary in Acts 27, he was unable to minister in a time of crisis. All your knowledge of God, when you are running for from him, only leads to greater unease in yourself and others.
• No Assurance - (12) “Pick me up and throw me into the sea. Then I will finally be free from God’s pursuit. God has discarded me. He no longer has any purposes for my life.” But you don’t get God off your back in that way as the Psalmist (139.9,10) and Luther knew: “Not only the ship, but the whole world becomes too small for Jonah. He finds no nook or corner in all of creation, not even in hell, where he might crawl in…” Reflect on times in your life when God, ‘the hound of heaven’, has pursued you with persevering love.RESCUE
“Men have been looking so hard at the great fish that they have failed to see the great God.” (Campbell Morgan) This ‘walk on’ part played by the great fish points to the lengths that God will go in his grace to bring Jonah to repentance.
Jonah 1.17-2.10
Salvation shines through these verses. Can you find 5 places in this ‘psalm of Jonah’ where he points to God’s saving actions and answered prayer? Jonah was clearly not expecting to be saved from a watery grave. (“No - throw me in over the other side where the big fish are!”) So when he finds himself safe and unpleasantly secure in the fish’s digestive system, he cries out to God in amazement and thanksgiving, using many familiar verses from psalms he has sung since his boyhood. (Jonah 2.2-9. You can find verses similar to these in various Psalms: 18.6; 120.1; 86.13; 42.7; 31.22; 69.1,2; 30.3; 77.11,12; 11.4; 42.4; 50.14,23; 116.14; 3.8) Paul also new this relief and gratitude - and how to interpret a dreadful, near-death disaster. (II Cor 1.8-10)
God sometimes blesses you when you least expect or ‘deserve’ it, in the middle of a rebellion. And then you are overwhelmed with those mixed feelings of gratitude and shame. Suddenly prayer and God’s word come alive again in your experience.
You too can follow God’s example and ‘rescue’ those who are running from you. Those who have wronged you and know it; those who feel shunned by you and your ‘set’; those who are intimidated by your confidence and abilities; those who have misunderstood your motives and actions. Ask God to show you anyone like this. Reach out to them and by some act of sacrificial kindness and love, mirror God’s redeeming grace.

OBEDIENCE
Jonah 3.1-10
At last Jonah concedes to the High King of heaven, and we see how the restoration of this one sinner leads to the salvation of many sinners. We are tempted to believe that our ‘little disobediences’ only affect us. But just like our obedience, it can have great consequences for many others.
Sennacherib had made Nineveh the capital of Assyria and carried out an extensive building programme. ‘Cities’ in the middle east at this time were not much bigger than our villages, but Nineveh was seven and a half miles in circumference - a vast size. What could one small, reluctant, recently regurgitated prophet do? He could listen to God and repeat his message (3.1,2):
• A Clear Word (3.4) The sermon is unmistakeable. In New Testament terms it fulfils the instruction of Paul in II Cor 4.2 “we do not distort… we set forth the truth plainly.”
• A Powerful Word (3.5) The previous mention of the size of the city is not to intimidate but to enhance the miraculous nature of this preaching. This was more than just a renewed Jonah, it was the voice of the living God in a pagan city.
• A Fruitful Word (3.6-10) The king in this chapter is the counterpart of the heathen captain in chapter 1; a reminder to narrow Jewish minds of this period that the God of Israel has a missionary heart. To stop any racial prejudice or cultural snobbery the story tells of a total response - great and small, kings and commoners, people and cattle! (The ceremonial mourning cloths on animals was a Persian custom.) But God’s forgiveness is not automatic (3.9) as Jeremiah reminded the people. (Jer 18.7-10).
Pray for preachers you know today, and that you will be able to pass on a clear word from God wherever you are.

GOD’S JUSTICE?
Jonah 4
Was there ever a preacher that was so disappointed by such a marvellous response to his preaching? This is the missionary dream! But for Jonah it poses a serious theological question.
If in God’s world good is rewarded and wickedness is punished, how can God forgive Nineveh and overlook their barbaric sins? To let iniquity go unpunished is as unjust as punishing the innocent. In Jonah’s eyes, it is dishonouring for God to show mercy to obvious wrong-doers, even after repentance. For if God is the supreme moral being he must punish or at least demand some penitence or temple sacrifice to ‘make up for’ the sin. Like the psalmist, Jonah wonders how the wicked seem to have their cake and eat it, while he suffers in godly innocence (Ps 73.12,13). Jonah is outraged by grace - the apparent contradiction in God’s moral nature. He forgives people who don’t deserve it. And Jonah wants to die and be free from this confusion of mind, self-pity, and spoiling of his nice neat theology.
So God points out to the prophet, through the incident with the castor oil plant, that Jonah’s concern for the plant is motivated purely by self-interest, whereas God’s concern for all that he has created springs from the compassion which is God’s very nature - God is love. The old testament readers are left to wrestle in their own minds with the tension between crime & punishment and repentance & forgiveness. How could God justify his actions on the grounds of compassion alone? Jonah was not willing to trust obediently in a God whose ways could not always be understood. He was not willing to trust that there would be a chapter five, written by the Messiah in centuries ahead. Are you too narrow in deciding for God who can be saved?

JESUS & JONAH
Why were Jonah’s few words to the Ninevites so effective? Well, certainly it was because of the Holy Spirit’s anointing of Jonah and drawing of the citizens to repentance. But also, if you heard Jonah’s story of the miraculous vomiting up of the guest preacher on the beach, you would be inclined to believe that God really wanted to say something important to you. In fact, if Jonah had gone directly to Nineveh, they might never have listened! The prophet’s dramatic deliverance was a sign of God’s desire to deliver these pagans.
Matthew 12.39-42
When Jesus speaks of the sign of Jonah (also in Matt 16.4 and Luke 11.29) he is doubtless referring to his coming death and resurrection. If the Ninevites through the miracle of Jonah could turn to trust in God; then what excuse would there be for those who saw God deliver his Son from death and bring him back to life?
More than this, we can see in Jesus, a partial resolution of Jonah’s theological problem: how can a just and moral God overlook such dreadful sin without demanding ‘payment’? But God’s absolute holiness is satisfied by his overwhelming love; justice and compassion meet in the cross where:

Grace and love like mighty rivers,
Poured incessant from above,
And heaven’s peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love. (William Rees)

Receive the kiss of forgiveness from God today and don’t write yourself off as Jonah did. And have your eyes open to see the unusual ways God may use you to reach the most unlikely sinners. Pray today for the people you least expect (and least want?) to be converted.